OK, my first blog and already I’m technically challenged, want to call this blog Alpha Goddess.

Incentive to begin FINALLY (yes, I’m yelling) is yet another phone call. Can’t say definitively how inoccuous this was, but caller says, in southern type drawl, “I’m calling about tantra”. And I say, “what exactly about tantra were you interested in?” And the questions go as follows:

caller: “What about voluntary ejaculation?”

me: “Well, that’s a sexual issue that I have skills to help you manage, but that is not tantra”

Caller: “What about better orgasms?”

me: “Hmmmm. This is also a sexual issue, but it is not tantra.”

Caller: “Well, I see that a lot of the ‘goddesses’ are nude. Tantra is about nudity?”

me: At this point I’m noticing that I’m not breathing. Over the last many years I have become pretty adept at identifying a masturbator. I can tell by a voice tone. I also notice that there is a way I begin to armour myself at the hint that it might be a masturbator and I am already not in the moment, but projecting what this call could possibly be and that definitely is NOT tantra.

An aside. This cracks me up. There is obviously a lot of men with a lot of free time that obviously don’t want to cough up the whatever it is per minute for phone sex wherein someone could answer the phone that actually is OK with said caller masturbating while she (pick one) a) is watching Oprah, b) folding laundry, c) doing her nails or d) you fill in the blank for any number of banal activities that a woman might think of doing while getting paid a nominal fee to let someone rub one out (my boyfriend taught me that phrase).

I have enough background in paraphilias (classified sexual dysfunctions) to know that there are a lot of people that actually become aroused by imposing their arousal on unsuspecting strangers. Like flashing. Wow, we haven’t heard of that one in a long time! I tend to think that most of my callers just surf the web and find a photo and the addition of ANY human voice is enough to support them in the 90 second arousal needed to get off. That sounded disparaging, didn’t it? I often wish that at the abrupt end of the call (I either figure it out and hang up, or they do) I could say something profound. Something that would speak to their humanness. That I am somebody’s mother, daughter, sister. I am a human. They wouldn’t want some strange guy calling their mother would they?

Back to the call. I notice my tightening. I want to bring my humanness. I tell him that tantra is a catch-all word that is now being used to ’spiritualize’, legitimize or bring hipness to almost anything. Day spas, restaurants, more frequently escorts and what we call in the field, holy hand job artists. (No, I did not say that on the call) I keep my voice very professional, matter of fact, like I could be talking to someone inquiring about buying software. .

What is Tantra? It is the 24/7 practice of being awake. Watching my judgments. Imposing the past on this present. Projecting the future, anticipation, fear, hope, dread. It is breathing myself into this moment. It is noticing that I allow some disembodied voice clamp my energy down. It is disciplined practice. It is wild abandon. It is the free flow of energy moving through me in all directions. It is courageous.